Family &
Relationships
Family
It is important to remember that all families have their own dynamics. When we talk about ‘normal’, there is no set script to determine this. However, a ‘functional’ family will usually be made up of parental figures and children, where the parental figures provide a home, food, and a feeling of safety through love and support in positive and challenging situations. Communication and emotional connection are there and if a problem arises, the parents will take responsibility in seeking solutions.
A family is deemed ‘dysfunctional’ therefore when these things are not in place and when there is a pattern of behaviour (often without awareness) that means the environment is not safe or nurturing. This has an impact particularly on children where social and emotional growth is then limited.
There are differing factors that may be seen in a dysfunctional family:
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Controlling family member - narcissistic, manipulating, exploiting and make love conditional, lack of empathy.
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Poor/ minimal communication – disengaged, lack of emotional connection, no interest in each other, non-supportive of each other, neglectful, isolated.
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Too much emotional reliance – enmeshed, parental figure relying on child for emotional support, emotional overwhelm, lack of boundaries, co-dependency.
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Child Carer role – parentification, perhaps due to parental needs or substance abuse / addiction, child takes on adult role and loses childhood experience.
It is common for dysfunctional families to be in denial about the problems within the family and may even enable another family members’ behaviour to feel safe and secure or scapegoat problems onto one family member to ensure the dynamic is maintained and problems not seen by others as the whole family. The family may struggle with empathy and understanding towards each other and lack boundaries, relying on each other in unhealthy ways due to broken promises, abuse within family relationships etc.
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You may feel you can relate to some of this with your family or perhaps there is a current or past situation that keeps re-occurring and impacting on you. ​​​​​
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Relationships
All relationships have their ups and downs, life can through all kinds of challenges at us, and test even the strongest of relationships. We all react to things differently, have different perspectives on life and situations, and how we handle our emotions or choose to resolve (or not resolve) conflict and disagreements can have an impact on each other. Perhaps you are feeling you choose the 'wrong' friends or partners and want to better understand why this might be. Or perhaps you want to work on your communication with your partner or friends and resolve issues that keep re-occurring.
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Common issues include communication, lack of trust, respect imbalances, intimacy problems, working through trauma, inflexibility, affairs, cheating, recent break up, financial challenges, changing priorities, feeling under appreciated, expectation differences, lack of support, lack of commitment, controlling behaviours, unresolved conflict, parenting differences, in-law family dynamics, struggles to keep relationships, struggles to make friends or meet partners.
How can counselling help you with family & relationships?
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Whatever the situation, counselling is a way of exploring and processing different dynamics and relationships. Learning how things may have impacted upon you as a person and on your relationships, finding new self-awareness and tools to help cope and manage when you are triggered.
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Counselling can play a vital role in improving relationships by providing a safe and supportive environment for open communication. It allows you to explore your feelings, address underlying issues, and develop healthier ways to connect with another person. Through guided discussions, you can gain insights into your behaviours and learn effective conflict-resolution strategies. Ultimately, counselling enables understanding and empathy, helping to strengthen the bond between you and your partners, friends, work colleagues, and family to pave the way for a more fulfilling relationships.
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Transactional Analysis
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Transactional analysis in counseling is a psychological theory and method of therapy that focuses on the interactions and communications between individuals. It explores how communication arises out of our ego states—Parent, Adult, and Child—each representing different aspects of our personality. By identifying these ego states, I can support you in understanding your behaviours, thoughts, and feelings in various situations and relationship dynamics. This insight can lead to improved communication and healthier relationships, fostering personal growth and emotional well-being.
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Parent (behaving in ways which we learn and react out our parent’s behaviour as adults)
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Adult (using logic and evidence to guide our behaviour, not becoming emotional)
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Child (replaying childish behaviours as adults)
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Transactional analysis also focuses on 'life scripts' which are based on the messages we receive as children that help us build a view of ourselves and others. From birth we are born to survive and therefore unconsciously adapt in order to get our needs met by those around us. We only know what we know growing up, and this is our truth. However, some ways of thinking or acting may not be healthy as we start to form relationships with others. Working with life scripts, I can support you in understanding these messages which will empower you to make the changes you are wanting.
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Attachment Theory
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Attachment theory is a psychological framework that explores the bonds formed between individuals, between children and their caregivers. It is the understanding of how we seek ‘proximity’, or closeness and intimacy, with the people in our lives.John Bowlby first talked about the term attachment in 1958. He refers to the way we form emotional connections with ourself and others, our ability to trust in others. This is based on how we form attachments from birth with our parental figures and how these can impact on our relationships as adults.
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The quality of these early attachments can significantly influence a person's emotional and social development throughout their life. Understanding attachment theory can provide valuable insights into your interpersonal relationships and emotional well-being.
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Secure attachment - If you have experienced consistent parenting, fulfilling your needs you are likely to feel safe with others even in times of stress. Tends to be self-reliant and able to form health relationships with others.
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Insecure attachment - feels insecure in relationships and tends to expect your needs will not be met by others. You may handle this by adopting an 'avoidant' approach, being emotionally distant from others, having learnt to be independent and not rely on others from a young age. Alternatively, you may have an 'ambivalent' style where you feel anxious and perhaps even angry to because you do not feel you can get your needs met by others.
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Disorganised attachment - usually because of abusive parenting, may result in fight or freeze reactions to others being triggered.
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It is important to remember that there is no blame in parenting in trying to understand these attachments, but having this awareness in our counselling sessions can help you to heal and learn to manage expectations with others differently.
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What is Family Therapy?
Family therapy is a way of enabling and facilitating a family to heal and process together. It allows you all to able to speak and be heard in a safe space. Family therapy is a space to explore difficult thoughts and feelings with each other and be open to understanding each other’s experience. It is important to remember that for a child, your family is their whole world, so if something has changed, or something has happened, this for a child can mean there is something wrong or different in their whole world. This can be hard to process and impact how they think, feel and behave. Working together as a family can help enable your child to express what they are experiencing and for you all as a family to start to understand the impact it is having on them.
Boundaries within family therapy:
- Everyone in the family is responsible
- There is no judgement or blame
- There must be respect in the counselling room
- Everyone gets equal time to talk
- Everyone listens to each other
- It is okay to disagree, but be open to accepting another's perspective
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If you are interested in family therapy, please contact me to discuss. Details as below!
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